Wuthering Heights - Baruch Hochman, Emily Brontë When [foster] sibling love goes too far..."The Damned and the Doomed"

(AKA Wuthering Heights, the soap opera)
Dun dun dun…

Heathcliff: I know she’s a spoiled, bratty 12-year-old girl trapped in the body of a beautiful but crazy bipolar woman, but I love her! I am her! She is me! We’re destined to be together!
Catherine: Yes, of course he’s more feral dirty animal than man, but I want him to use his filthy claws to rip my bodice and gnaw on my flesh!

Heathcliff: Oh, Catherine!
Catherine: Oh, Heathcliff!



Heathcliff [aside]: Bitch is pretty crazy though. Maybe this was a hasty decision...

Both: Oh well! [nom nom nom...]

I feel like an awful, despicable person giving such a highly esteemed and praised classic piece of literature one star, but I can’t help it. I absolutely hated this book. It took me three attempts to finally get through the entire blasted thing and I am elated to finally be done with it. I think I will donate my copy to Goodwill just to get it out of my house so I’ll never have to look at it again. I will try to focus my rage and frustration enough to give some clear reasons.

The characters
• Why are there two people for every freakin name in this book? Was Emily Bronte just trying to mess with readers’ minds? Did she think “haha, I’m gonna give these saps such a run for their money – they’re going to have no idea wtf is going on throughout the majority of this bad boy.” And meanwhile Charlotte is trying to be a supportive sister and agree with her, but thinking all the while that “that shiz is messed up.” That was just mean, Emily. I can never forgive you for the complete and utter confusion I felt throughout the entirety of your novel. I respect you but I cannot forgive you for all the fury that you have caused me.
• Also, in what universe are these characters at all relatable or realistic? Someone please show me a real life Heathcliff and Catherine. I’d like to see them. I could not connect with a single character in the entire novel. When I can't care about any of the characters, it's hard to give a crap what happens to any of them.

The narration
• I understand that the story-within-the-story framing technique is pretty cool most of the time. I usually like it, but somehow I think Emily messed it up because it did not flow smoothly at all and I did not feel at home within the story (if that makes sense). I couldn’t stop asking myself “who is talking right now? Is it still Ellen/Nelly or are we back with Mr. Lockwood telling the story for Ellen/Nelly or is one of those two speaking for another character within another story?” There was a place where Ellen/Nelly went to the market or something and Mr. Lockwood had to take up the narration and it was very disjointed and rough, like "she told me and now I’m telling you but she’s gone so I swear this is what she said." It was just very confusing.

So many people love this book and I just don’t understand. Is there something wrong with me? Are my brain and/or heart defunct in some way that is preventing me from feeling and commiserating and loving these characters and this story? Even Sandra Bullock’s character from one of my favorite movies (“The Proposal”) says that she reads this book every freakin Christmas. Why, Sandy? This book makes no mention of Christmas. It is abominably boring and (for others) extremely depressing in a love-lost sort of way. I just don't understand. All I know is that I am unbelievably happy to be done with it. And for those that are going to ignore my warning and face this abysmal mess, trust me, you're going to need a character map on hand at all times:

character map

I just helped you out more than Emily ever will. You're welcome.